The Stuff (1985)

1985’s The Stuff was written and directed by schlock auteur Larry Cohen, who apparently liked his metaphors Texas-sized. The Stuff is an ice cream product of dubious origin that is delicious, non-fattening, and horrifyingly addictive. As a result, people eat it and eat it until they’re part of an alien hive mind, their insides hollowed out and full of Stuff. That is a frightening conceptualization of consumerism that should be really thought provoking, but The Stuff is primarily concerned with yogurt-y ooze coming out of every surface imaginable, including people’s mouths. It’s hard to make the perfect bad movie because one would have to do so accidentally, but this movie achieves the balance of being bland and flashy, tedious and action-packed, funny and tone-deaf. Still, the tri-color branding of the endless containers of “The Stuff” is designed so enticingly that a viewer would have to admit it looks appealing. Maybe we are not so far away from the millions of Stuff-heads willing to commit suicide by snacking. How American of us.

And of course, I could ask questions: Why cast legendary Goodfella Paul Sorvino as a right-wing militia leader? Why is Garrett Morris, as Ice Cream magnate Chocolate Chip Charlie, also a kung fu fighter? Why cast Michael Moriarty as the lead, and only during pre-production inform him he has to wear a bad toupee? Why does the plot center so crucially on one little boy (Scott Bloom) who is chased to the ends of the Earth because he’s suspicious of the Stuff? The kid travels all over the country, is included in high level conversations and traipses about in active gunfights, like one of those kids Godzilla seems to like so much. It’s all so unlikely, my spouse thinks The Stuff was actually written by the kid. The answers to these and other questions are better left unknown; we may as well ask Monet why he chose water lilies. The point is, while not exactly scary per se, The Stuff is definitely unsettling, has some fun special effects, is as colorful as a Saturday morning cartoon, and is under ninety minutes. If you like being beaten over the head with metaphors bigger than highway billboards, and you don’t ever want to eat Marshmallow Fluff again, The Stuff should be on your grocery list for movie night. 3 out of 5 sacs of blood.

—Steve Roberts