Jaws 3D (1983)

The first Jaws is classic and oddly wholesome, the second is grim and unhinged, and the third is 3D. According to the movie poster, THE THIRD DIMENSION IS TERROR. The other two dimensions are camp and SeaWorld. At one point there’s an on-screen architectural diagram of the shallow abyss that is SeaWorld (don’t traumatize yourself with Blackfish unless you don’t understand what’s wrong with SeaWorld), and the network of pedestrian tubes Dennis Quaid had built below the shiny surface of the waterpark. Spoiler: Tube integrity has been compromised is the best line in this film. Spoiler: the best shot is from the perspective of Mama Jaws’ gullet as she eats an asshole. Spoiler: the incredibly tense scenes where characters willingly get in the water with a super out of it Jaws in captivity are complicated by the fact that it turns out this shark is Son of Jaws, and Mama Jaws is more pissed than usual, if possible. This film is not technically good but it is very awesome. 3.5 out of 5 sacs of blood. 

—J †Johnson