Death Spa (1988)

A horror movie set at a gym with the tagline “You’ll sweat blood!” sounds like it would be a rocking good time, but this simple formula goes wrong in the unnecessarily complicated Death Spa. There’s the male lead, his new girlfriend, aerobics classes, buddy cops, a paranormal investigator, male friendship, an evil lawyer, a conspiring assistant manager, temporary blindness, a practical joker, spandex, a bird nest metaphor, suggested twincest, a hapless gym patron, casual transphobia (boo!), a Mardi Gras party, a sexy scene involving asparagus, and a blender prank that serves some foreshadowing. There’s also a lot of female nudity—weirdly, the men in the movie do not shower at the gym, or at least we don’t get to see it. The plot is something like: Michael, the gym owner, has an innovative tech-forward gym, but things start malfunctioning and killing or nearly killing people. He also has a new relationship following the death of his wife who self-immolated after becoming paralyzed while pregnant (or giving birth? Not clear. Either way, there’s no baby). Is it his business partner and assistant sabotaging the gym in an attempt to take it over, or is it his ex wife’s twin brother David, who runs the computer system, as payback for his sister’s death? Or is it somehow the dead wife, Catherine, inhabiting the body of her brother? 

Kills (successful and attempted) involve death by locker, chemicals in the steam room, a faulty diving board, a tanning bed, a vicious face grab, exploding shower tiles, a chest fly machine (had to google the name of that one) that rips someone in half, and a reanimated frozen fish bite to the neck, among other things. Highlights of the movie include the gross out practical effects, Ken Foree as Marvin, the buddy cops (ACAB), quirky character Darla, and the way the sign “Starbody Health Spa” changes to “Death Spa” both in the intro of the movie when it is struck by lightning and in its final scene when Catherine is having her Carrie moment. Unfortunately the lead character and the writing leave some things wanting, though both cause some unintentionally humorous moments. There are some great lines, like when one of the gym patrons is missing, Lt. Fletcher deadpans, “A fantastic weight reduction program—people get so thin they disappear,” and later, Michael in his heroic moment yells, “All right, bitch. I’ll show you fried chicken!” Death Spa is peak ’80s horror, but fails by taking itself too seriously, missing out on how much fun this all could be. 2.5 out of 5 sacs of blood.

—Gina Myers